As an #academicmama, I have to travel frequently for work. It is very difficult to be successful in academics without at least some amount of traveling. Sometimes I go to conferences, invited talks, study section meetings for grant review, or other national service committee or organization meetings.  I get excited every time I am invited to travel. Because I love traveling! Or at least I used to pre-kids!  But then when it comes down the day I have to leave, it is always so hard to leave!!  I have super duper mom guilt for leaving my kids, thinking about whether they will grow up remembering I wasn't there for them.  Then I contemplate the damage to my career if I just bail on the whole trip. I know I *should* go because I've committed to going. How did I get here?

This month I definitely broke my "rules" of traveling and am in the midst of suffering the consequences. I've been to four cities in one month and I just plain feel like a bad mom.  Just before I left for my last trip, my two-year old son said "No mama, don't go!".  My heart hurt.  Where is my work/life balance?!  I wanted to stay home, but it was too late to cancel the two talks I had to give at a big conference. 

And then I swore that from now on I was going to follow my travel "rules" and not let things get out of hand again.  These "rules" are my fairly loose guidelines/goals for how to get the most out of the travel I have to do, but limit travel to keep my sanity (and spend more time with my kids). I call them "rules" loosely because I do break them sometimes, but they are goals that I at least strive for and are helpful to me to remember in times of weakness (which are often!!). 

My "rule" or pro parenting tips for traveling as an academic mama - 

1. Set a limit in advance for how often you are willing to travel. My personal limit is once per month. More than that is CRAZY!  Even once a month is a lot for a mama with two small children. This "limit" should be something that you and your partner/family discuss in advance. Once I reach my quota, I just say "I'm sorry, I am unavailable then due to other commitments - is it possible to do this another month?"   

2. Do not go to a conference unless asked to speak at an event. I recognize this is not something junior folks or trainees can do. However, as a mid-level academic professional, I still also benefit from networking even when not invited to speak but I no longer weigh the benefit of networking over the cost of leaving my kids when I am not asked to participate in a meaningful way in the program. Networking is invaluable, but sometimes the benefits are intangible or indirect. I'm not willing to trade those intangible benefits for that much missed family time.

3. Accept invitations to speak, but put off scheduling the talk if possible. While not all speaking engagements have flexible dates, some do, such as invitations to speak at a weekly or monthly grand rounds. At this stage of my career, I accept basically all speaking engagements at academic grand rounds talks. They are GREAT networking events. These are often the people who are reviewing your papers and grants!  However, what I often do is say yes, but I will delay the date of the talk until it's a month where I have no other travel scheduled and the timing works best for my family. This helps me to meet my #1 goal of no traveling more than once per month.  

4. Join a meeting remotely if possible. I once went to a meeting that I did want to attend but really did not find it valuable enough to leave my kids. I went anyway, and of course had much mom guilt about leaving my kids, AGAIN.  When the meeting started and they set up a Webex for all the people who couldn't make it in person I was SO FRUSTRATED that I hadn't done the same!  They did not advertise that it was even possible to join the meeting remotely, and so I never thought to ask. I have not made that mistake since!  Study sections, as well as a lot of academic service obligations, often have the option to call in remotely. 

5. Bring your children if you can!  If you have a newborn or infant, this is a totally reasonable excuse to say "thanks, but no thanks" on traveling anywhere, for any reason. However, there may be times where you feel like you just can't miss it or you don't want to miss it.  Depending on your level (e.g. student/trainee or faculty member) it is sometimes less vs. more acceptable to travel with your infant. If I can get away with it, I BRING my children with me. For trainees, ask your mentor if it is appropriate to bring your kids to the actual conference/meeting. For faculty members or those more advanced in the field, we really need to do this more and start setting an example that this can work. I have asked several conference organizers about whether they 1) allow children at the conference and/or 2) have any childcare options at the conference. It seems there are more and more conferences that are offering this service, but NONE of my conferences have it.  When I email, most respondents seem unsure of how to handle these requests. I try to ask other friends or colleagues to inquire about the same topic so the conference organizers understand the importance of the situation. The more of us that bring our children with us, the more acceptable this will be and the more likely that conference organizers will start realizing that they need to prioritize solutions to childcare.  If you have other colleagues with children, you may be able to work with them on trading off childcare.  And if you can, blow off some of the conference sessions and spend time with your family. Especially if you are somewhere awesome!

6. Leave your children if you can, and just bring your partner! I realize this one is only possible if you have the best childcare backup possible, like grandparents that are amazing or a nanny that is like Mary Poppins. In addition, if it's a nanny, you have to be able to actually afford the childcare costs.  This may not be possible for a lot of academic mamas!!  However, I'm going to throw it out there because if you can pull this off it's like the ultimate of academic mom wins.  Leave kids at home with a trusted childcare provider and take a few days to attend your meeting/conference but also enjoy your partner without kids!   My husband and I were both able to convince our parents to watch the kids while we both went to conferences in the same city and it was the best decision ever!  "Traveling alone without the kids was the worst decision ever" said no on ever!!!  In truth, "THIS MAY NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL THEY LEAVE FOR COLLEGE!," is what we actually said whilst enjoying adult beverages at sunset and then sleeping 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a hotel bed. Enjoy it. 

7. Live it up.  You are here, you left your kids and you are focusing on work. That is OKAY to do sometimes!  Focus on the positives. YOU CAN SLEEP!!!  YOU CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH NO ONE BARGING IN ON YOU!! Those are the big ones.  Other perks include time to exercise, call your girlfriends, or explore a new city.  For me I try to combine all of these perks and I'll try to go for a run in a new city to explore it while calling a girlfriend to catch up, and then I'll make sure that at least one night I have no evening plans so I can go to bed at 9pm and sleep like a teenager.  This is a rare occasion, so we have got to live it up and try not to feel so guilty about being gone. 

8. Maximize your time - Make your travel time worth it.  I have found it helpful to be proactive in setting up networking meetings, e.g. breakfast, lunch, or dinner meetings to discuss an ongoing research project or a new project I want to pitch. I also try to spend the time that I'm not in meetings or getting my 8 hours of sleep catching up on work. I work on the plane ride, I work during breaks, etc so that I don't have to play quite as much "catch-up" when I get home to my family. I try to take one day where I set all these meetings up, and at least one day that I take to catch up on sleep, work, etc

9. Try new methods of communicating with kids while you're gone  - When your kids are young, FaceTime is for YOU, not them. My 4 year old is just fine with FaceTime and loves catching up with me and telling me about her day at school. But my two year old doesn't quite get it and the interaction with me is just a reminder of what he cannot have. Nearly always, it ends in tears and him saying "Mama, come home!" The worst was when I mentioned this week that I was "alone in my hotel room" and he cried real tears because he was so sad to hear I was alone!!  It made me feel terrible! Instead, what I have found works great for 2 year old communication while traveling is text messaging with emoticons. If you can let your caregiver/partner take the phone and reply with emoticons, they seem to enjoy sending messages to mom. 

10. Plan special time with kids right before or after you leave. I try to take a day when I return back home to work from home, and pick the kids up early from school to do something special. We may go for a hike, go to the zoo, or just go home and read books on the couch. I think this one is my favorite "rule" and the one I stick with the most!

What other pro tips do you have to share?  What are your best and worst traveling experiences either leaving kids at home, or bringing them with you?  Please feel free to share more with me at academicmama@gmail.com or on twitter @AcademicMamaPhD.